Subject: Alison's Continuing Series Presents: "Vader's a crack dealer."

Hey everyone,

Doubtless you've heard or been part of the rush to see the rerelease
of Star Wars.  We here at the Continuing Series thought we'd cash in
on the success of the trilogy by bringing you three pieces based on
it.  First is a song, "Imperial Rapsody," and second is the answer to
"What if Star Wars Were Turned into a Pimp Movie?"  The third is part
of the song "Star Wars Cantina."  

The first two were contributed by Tony Lee. <tL1997@juno.com The
second one is transcribed from Entertainment Weekly.

Love, Luck, and Lollipops,

Alison
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 ** Imperial Rhapsody by: Queen
 **
 ** (sung to: Bohemian Rhapsody)
 
 LANDO: This is the good life
 This is a fantasy
 Working on Bespin
 An escape from Reality.
 LEIA: Open your eyes
 Stand up to these guys and see.
 LUKE: I'm just a farmboy, I need some sympathy
 Cuz who's my dad, I dunno
 Little whine, little moan.
 HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter, to me
 
 PIETT: Vader just killed a man.
 Raised an arm up in the air
 Now his life is no longer there.
 Vader, we had just begun,
 And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.
 Vader, ooooooo.
 Didn't mean to make you mad
 If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,
 There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.
 
 YODA: Too late, my time has come,
 Sends shivers down my spine
 Body's aching all the time.
 LUKE: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
 Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
 PIETT: Vader, ooooooooo.
 I don't want to die
 I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
 
 LUKE: I see a little silhouetto of a man
 Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
 Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!
 R2-D2, R2-D2,
 R2-D2, R2-D2,
 R2-D2, Where'd ya go? C-3PO O O O O O OH!
 I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me.
 REBELS: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family.
 Spare him this life of such mendacity!
 HAN: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.
 JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)
 HAN: Let me go!
 JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
 HAN: Let me go!
 JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
 HAN: LET ME GO!
 JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
 HAN: LET ME GO!
 JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
 HAN: LET ME GO!
 JABBA: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
 
 C3PO: Oh R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along.
 LEIA: C-3PO has a rebel put aside for meeeee, for meeeeee,
   for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
 
 (Stormtroopers start headbanging)
 
 LUKE: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?
 But you cut my hand off and left me to die!
 Oh Vader, can't do this to me, Vader.
 I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you.
 
 OBIWAN: May the Force be with you.
 Use the Force to see.
 May the Force be with you,
 May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaays.

 HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really mat-ter,
   to meeeeeeee.

****************************************************************************
 What if Star Wars was turned into a pimped out Movie?

Well, we figured many great movies out there were the "pimped-out"
ones, such as Shaft, Dolemite, Disco Godfather, Black Belt Jones, I'm
Gonna Git You Sucka, and Petey Wheatstraw. So, what would be a good
movie to turn into a pimped out movie? Why, Star Wars, of course. Here
are a list of changes that would have to be made, to make Star Wars
the truly great trilogy it was meant to be.

     The Millennium Falcon has hydraulics, and gold plated landing gear.
     It also has huge, 500w subs mounted by the cannons.

     The chess table is replaced by the craps table.

     At the Cantina, Han Solo and Chewbacca are drinking 40's of
     Old-English 800.

     Han Solo doesn't shoot Greedo under the table, he drops the sucka
     execution style.

     C3-P0 is a completely soul-less, rhythmless English white guy.

     Artoo is a short Hispanic man with Turret's syndrome (he's always
     wise-cracking at 3P0).

     Princess Leia has hair extensions and bamboo earrings.

     The Rebel Alliance is the Black Panthers.

     The Emperor becomes The Man.

     Light sabers are completely replaced by kung-fu fighting.

     Lando is exactly the same, just carrying a 16oz can of Colt 45.
     Ohhhhhhhhh yeah.

     The Force would be some pharmacological substance which can be
     grown in your backyard.

     Obi Wan is a Dead-Head who goes around trying to give the Force
     awayfor free.

     Blasters are replaced with 9's.
     The Ewoks are the gangs from China Town, carrying switchblades.

     Vader's a crack dealer (Dark Side of the Force).

     Jabba's place is a disco. Jabba remains the same.

     Boba-Fett is an Sicilian hitman named Guido ("And I want them alive.
     Nooooooo cement shoes").

     Han's known only as "1 bad mutha".

     Uncle Owen is the equivalent of the father on the Wayan's Brothers.
     He doesn't want Luke to leave, because he needs him at the local
     convenience store.

     The Jawas are replaced by the local fences. (Say my man, you want a
     watch?).

     Sand People are replaced by drunken hillbilly rednecks (They're
     easily startled, but they'll soon be back). Banthas become monster
     trucks with gun racks, mud flaps, and 4000 watts of flood lights on
     the roll bars.

     The Gammorean guard would be replaced by huge black guys named
     Tiny.

     The stormtroopers (i.e., the cops) would be paid off with a bag of
     the Force ("these aren't the droids you're looking for..." "move
     along...")

     Yoda's all shriveled, short, and green because he's been holding in
     the same hit for a looooong time ("When 900 years you reach, look
     so good, you will not, hmmmmm?")

     The best Force is found on Dagobah.

     The entire soundtrack is redone by George Clinton and the
     Parliament F(Ph)unkadelic.

     X-Wings are replaced by low-riders.

     Bespin is a huge whippet manufacturing plant, busted by the Man.

     Chewie is some huge Cuban (hence the accent) guy named Jesus.
     ("Cubans have been known to rip people's arms off when they
     lose.")

     Donna Summer is singing at Jabba's Disco.

     Luke is the ultimate player Mac Daddy. He pimps his own sister to
     his best friend.

     Luke's so bad, he's on the chronic : hence he's wearing all black
     when he enters Jabba's place.


                                   Scene Changes

     Uncle Owen :"We talked about this before. I need you here at the 
     Qwiki-Mart behind the counter."
     Luke :"Yo, G, I just wanna chill with the homies!"
     Uncle Owen :"But closing time's when I need you the most."

     Leia :"You're not actually going into the projects are you?"
     Han :"Shut up, beeotch! They'd be crazy to follow us wouldn't
     they?"

     Luke :"Yo, Artoo, get this door open for me."
     Artoo:"Ok, esse!"

     (scene at Mos Eisley where Luke is accosted and Obi Wan saves his
     ass)

     (Luke is tapped on shoulder by a hand with many big gold rings)
     Guy: "Eh yo, man, my homie ain't down wich u."
     (Luke turns away and is tapped again)
     Guy: "Eh yo man! I ain't down wich u neithuh!"
     Guy: "Ya'll just watch yo sorry ass. We all's wanted muthas. I gots
     post office posters in more hoods 'n i got gold chains"
     Luke: "Yo man, it,s cool, i be cool."
     Guy: "YO ASS'LL BE CAPPED SUCKAH!!"

     (at this point Kenobi steps in)

     Kenobi: "Now ya'll chiiill man. . .let's be cool, i got 40s for everyone"
     (Guy attacks Luke. In that one instance, Kenobi pulls out some
     Force, lights it, takes a few puffs, whips his AK out and wastes the
     lot of em, all faster than anyone could have followed)
******************************************************************************  
An excerpt from "Star Wars Cantina", by Mark Davis

To the tune of Barry Manilow's "Copacabana"

His name was Yoda
He was a muppet
Darth Vader was so bad
And by the way, he's Luke's dad
Luke kissed his sister
His hand got cut off
In that galaxy far, far away
Luke has had a lousy day
Boba Fett was so mean
Jabba had bad hygiene
Why didn't they all just
Relax back on Tatooine

(Chorus)
At the Star Wars,
Satar Wars Cantina
Whe wierdest creatures
You've ever seen-a
Here at the Star Wars,
Star Wars Cantina
Musica and blasters
And old Jedi masters
At the Star Wars Cantina
**************************************************************************
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