Deep Thoughts
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by Jack Handey

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching
them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've
never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling
lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of
a monorail.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see
that I forgot to put on my pants.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know,
most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not
to laugh. Girls are funny.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just
walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to
me.

"Of all the imaginary friends I've had, I don't think there was one
that I didn't end up having to kill."

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em',
cause, man, they're gone.

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich!
But it turned out to be something different.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because,
hey, free dummy.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh,
because what is that thing.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to
me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was
- and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there
were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as
we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went
home. I guess some things never leave you.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the
world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark
riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything
they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta
said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should
write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started
saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And
I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty
good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's
what her dinner tasted like.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's
real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat
one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman
was a bear.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him
it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.