1 Corinthians 13, by Jesse "The Pope" Ventura

Brother, I tell you, you talk sweet, but you don't have the power, and I'm 
gonna ring you like a bell!!

You don't need to be Nostradamus to know what's gonna happen--you can
dream about moving this mountain, but without the power, you're nothing!!
You'd better make your will and arrange for a cremation, because they're
not gonna want an open-casket funeral when I'm done with you!

The power is impatient to be unkind to you; the power makes you jealous of
me, because I have it; it's worth boasting about!  Call me arrogant, call
me rude--I'll have my own way, because I have the power!  Does that make
you mad?!  Resent this!

I rejoice in the wrong I'm about to do to you, because it will feel soo
right!  The power will get you in a bear hug, and belive me, brother,
you'd better hope you've got what it takes to endure the steaming plate of
punishment I'm dishing out!

The power never ends; your predictions will be crushed, your tongue will
stop flapping, and everything you know will not begin to prepare you for
the intense pain that awaits you in the ring!  For you are imperfect, your
posse is imperfect; I am the perfect one that has come to sweep you away!

When I was an amateur, I talked trash like an amateur, I wrestled like an
amateur; but now I'm a man!  I'm *the* man!  And I'm going to make you cry
like a baby!  Now you see me through your dark glasses, but in the ring
we'll be face to face, man to man, and then you will hear what I'm
saying, brother! Now you know part of what I'm saying, but in the
ring you will understand fully the meaning of the word "pain"!  Fear,
pain, and power abide, these three, but the greatest of these is POWER!
Fear the power, brother!!!  Fear this!!  I'm going to get Old
Testament on your ass!!  Aaarrgghh!!!

[Grimacing, yanks off mitre and rips it in half.  Grabs golden shepherd's
crook and snaps it over knee. Rips off collar and rends mantle.  Points
to exposed bicep, still grimacing, twitching occasionally.  Fade to "Great
Schism 98" logo.]